Just over one year ago, the most intense 20-week period of my life began. (WARNING: only click this link if you truly have nothing better to do)
On February 19, 2011, the CAJ high school production of the musical Annie had its final showing. The weeks leading up to this event were pretty intense as well, but it's fairly safe to say that February 19 marked the end of a chapter. During the weeks leading up to that point, I had (for the most part) a single goal - put on a fantastic show. And it was fantastic. And the people I worked with, and the times we had together, were phenomenal.
What made the following weeks different was the lack of an obvious goal. Things were constantly happening, constantly changing, and I frequently had multiple things on my mind at once. Since I'm sort of an overachiever, I think I've always had a few too many things to handle, but this chapter of my life was full of unexpected challenges - including two historic earthquakes, a class trip to a third-world country, my first time working volunteering for an organization (and in particular, for a media department), teaching a class of sixth graders, a 19-hour work day, having just three full school days in a month, a trip to a disaster zone, and the death of a classmate (rest in peace), not to mention the (more expected) challenges of schoolwork, 5 AP tests within a week, over 20 music performances, graduating from high school, and saying goodbye to an entire lifestyle - house, friends, places, culture.
I made it to the end fine. Yes, there were a couple breakdowns along the way, a couple important things that I dropped, a couple tasks that I couldn't find the motivation to do whole-heartedly. But I could always pick myself up and keep moving. And the reason for that was because I chose to have a single, overarching, all-inclusive goal - the goal to keep things in perspective, and remember that the purpose behind everything I did was not just for myself, not entirely for the people around me, but first and foremost for God's glory.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:2-3, NIV)
No, I did not have this thought constantly cycling through my mind every minute (though I sometimes gave myself the challenge to try). But I reminded of this fairly often. Not only when things were hard, when I needed the big picture to motivate me to keep moving, but also when things were going really well, as a reminder of who to thank. If anything, these 20 weeks taught me that so many things are way beyond our control. Not just a few things ("Well I've got most of my life going well, just these one or two problems areas that I'll ask God for help in"), and not just barely out of our control ("I just have to work a little harder, then everything will be fine"). It's been an incredible journey to see just how far I could trust my leaders, my peers, the people I lead, and God, with so many different things in my life that I couldn't have possibly handled on my own.
There are a few things I wish I had done differently - the main one being handling relationships. Especially with my family - I was at school more than I was at home, and practically every day I would leave the house before my siblings were awake and get home after they were asleep (very often, I would even get home after my parents were asleep). Even at the time, I think I realized that I should be spending more time with the family - but the things occurring around me seemed so much bigger, it felt like they needed more attention. In hindsight, nothing could have possibly been big enough to keep me away from family like that so constantly. Even a single evening every week or two would have made so much of a difference. In my relationships at school as well, often it felt that since I was doing so much, I couldn't really just enjoy spending time with people. So I savoured the chances I did have - sometimes a bit too much - but more often I just had too much to do to have those chances. Sometimes I wonder if some people asked me for help with math homework because that was the only way they knew to actually get to spend time with me... which would be really really sad if true. I got to spend a lot more time with people towards the very end of the year, as my responsibilities started falling away, but I wish I had started earlier.
I also wish I had asked more people for help - I realize now how many people around me would have loved the chance to help me through things, but for some reason I felt like I had to bear most of the load on my own - only shifting the weight for things that would be physically impossible for me to do on my own. And despite saying that I kept the bigger picture in mind, I wish I had spent more time thinking about it; more time with God, more quiet time to bring peace to my hectic life.
I was thinking of ending with "despite all these things I wish I had handled differently, I'm glad it happened." But that's not true. There are so many things that were completely out of my control that I really wish didn't have to happen. I'm not glad everything happened - but I am glad I was there when it did. I'm grateful for the experiences - for the chance to be a part of the suffering where there was suffering, for the chance to bring joy to people's lives wherever there was joy to be brought. For the way these experiences have taken part in shaping me into who I am today. And for giving me a huge collection of memories which I will never forget.
